Colonoscopy.

> ...I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> Gastroenterologist, to make an
> appointment for a Colonoscopy.
>
> A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a
> color diagram of the
> colon, a lengthy organ
>
> that appears to go all over the place, at one
> point passing briefly
> through Minneapolis .
>
> Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me
> in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner.
>
> I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
> anything he said, because
> my brain was shrieking, quote,
>
> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP
> YOUR BEHIND !!!!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written
> instructions, and a prescription
> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes
> in a box large enough to hold
> a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail
> later;
> for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
> it to fall into the
> hands of America 's enemies .
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting
> around being nervous .
> Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In
> accordance with my instructions,
>
> I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had
> was chicken broth,
> which is basically water, only with less flavor.
>
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix
> two packets of powder
> together
>
> in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water.
> (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a
> liter is about 32
> gallons.)
just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
> somebody with a great
> sense of humor,
>
> state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
> bowel movement may result.'
> This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
> your roof, you may
> experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to
> be too graphic, here, but:
> Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch ?
>
> This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with
> you as the shuttle.
> There are times when you wish the commode had a seat
> belt.
> You spend several hours pretty much confined to the
> bathroom, spurting
> violently.
>
> You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure
> you must be totally
> empty,
>
> you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at
> which point, as far as I
> can tell,
>
> your bowels travel into the future and start
> eliminating food that you
> have not even eaten yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to
> sleep. The next morning
> my wife drove me to the clinic.
>
> I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about
> the procedure, but I had
> been experiencing
>
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage .
>
> I was thinking,'What if I spurt on Andy ?'
>
> How do you apologize to a friend for something like
> that ?
> Flowers would not be enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging
> that I understood and
> totally agreed
> with whatever the heck the forms said.
>
> Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
> people, where I went
> inside a
>
> little curtained space and took off my clothes and
> put on one of those
> hospital garments
>
> designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
> put it on, makes you
> feel
>
> even more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a
> vein in my left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
> good, and I was
> already lying down.
>
> Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
> their MoviPrep.
> At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought
> of this,
> but then I pondered what would happen if you got
> yourself
> too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
> staggering around in
> full " Fire Hose Mode . "
>
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist.
> I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy
> had it hidden around
> there somewhere.
>
> I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me
> roll over on my left
> side,
>
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up
> to the needle in my
> hand .
>
> There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that the song was
> 'Dancing Queen' by Abba .
>
> I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could
> be playing during
> this particular procedure,
>
> 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least
> appropriate .
> 'You want me to turn it up ?' said Andy,
> from somewhere behind me .
>
> 'Ha ha,' I said . And then it was time, the
> moment I had been dreading
> for
>
> more than a decade . I f you are squeamish, prepare
> yourself,
> because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
> exactly what it was
> like .
>
> I have no idea . Really . I slept through it .
>
> One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen!
> Feel the beat from the
> tambourine .'
>
> and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
> waking up in a very
> mellow mood .
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I
> felt.
> I felt excellent.
>
> I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it
> was all
> over, and that my colon had passed with flying
> colors .
>
> I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
> ABOUT THE WRITER:
>
> Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
> columnist for the Miami
> Herald.
>
> Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during
> exams were quite
> humorous......
>
> A physician claimed that the following are actual
> comments made by his
> patients
>
> (predominately male) before or after their
> colonoscopies :
>
> 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going
> where no man has gone before !
>
> 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet ?'
>
>
> 3. 'Can you hear me NOW ?'
>
>
> 4. 'Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ? Are
> we there yet ?'
>
> 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now
> legally married.'
>
> 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief ?'
>
>
> 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your
> left hand out...'
>
>
> 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels !'
>
>
> 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit
> !'
>
> 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
> dignity.'
>
> 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron,
> didn't you ?'
>
> 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
>
>
> 13. 'How far up did you go ? I now have a sore
> throat.'
> And the best one of all..
>
> 14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying
> that my head is not up
> here ?