Saturday, June 25, 2011
THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
|
THE ONLY FLAG THAT DOESN'T FLY
Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed
companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5-pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each, for a total of more than 2 million flowers.
For our soldiers....Please don't break it
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen. There is nothing attached.... Just send this to all the people in your address book.
Between the fields where the flag is planted, there are 9+ miles of flower fields that go all the way to the ocean. The flowers are grown by seed
companies. It's a beautiful place, close to Vandenberg AFB. Check out the dimensions of the flag. The Floral Flag is 740 feet long and 390 feet wide and maintains the proper Flag dimensions, as described in Executive Order #10834. This Flag is 6.65 acres and is the first Floral Flag to be planted with 5-pointed Stars, comprised of White Larkspur. Each Star is 24 feet in diameter; each Stripe is 30 feet wide. This Flag is estimated to contain more than 400,000 Larkspur plants, with 4-5 flower stems each, for a total of more than 2 million flowers.
For our soldiers....Please don't break it
When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen. There is nothing attached.... Just send this to all the people in your address book.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I love it. The Developer did a bum job building the roads not to specs and the CDD voided the law suit against the developer. This will cost the residents thousands of dollars, this is a public road yet we pay for all the repairs. Why are we paying taxes for? The developer screwed us again and you people love it.
| Lake Ashton Road Construction Schedule Now Updated | |
| Tucker Paving is now on site to begin road improvements project on sections of Turnberry Lane and Strathmore Drive. Beginning July 11 (new date), milling and resurfacing will begin on a section of Dunmore Drive (just the area between the Pro Shop and south Limerick) as well as resurfacing the Turnberry and Strathmore area. Road construction will begin on Lake Ashton Blvd. July 5. View Roadway Improvements 2011.
| |
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Humor: Ronald Reagan Tells a Joke
| |
| |
| How old is Grandpa?  Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: ' television ' penicillin ' polio shots ' frozen foods ' Xerox ' contact lenses ' Frisbees and ' the pill There was no: ' radar ' credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: ' pantyhose ' air conditioners ' dishwashers ' clothes dryers! ' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and ' man hadn't yet walked on the moon  Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . . and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.  We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had "5 & Dime" stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, ride on a bus, and a Coke were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day: ' "grass" was mowed, ' "coke" was a cold drink, ' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and ' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ' "Gay" was someone exuberantly happy, ' " chip" meant a piece of wood, ' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and ' "software" wasn't even a word.  And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.. and how old do you think I am? I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. This man could be only 58 years old! |
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Driveway closed by concrete blocks --
a new way to collect unpaid association dues?
June 20, 2011
Dear Florida Governor, Dear Lt. Governor, Dear Florida Legislators:
How would you like to get a call from your wife (husband), telling you that she/he can't go to work because the association blocked the driveway with cement blocks, because you failed to pay apart of a special assessment (not the regular dues)?
And when you come home, this is what you are seeing?
No joke, this actually happened to an owner of a home located in a HOA in Georgia. You can read the full story here, together with a radio interview.
You say: Oh, that's in Georgia -- who cares? We could face the same story here in Florida. The management company that gave the owner the run-around was none other than ASSOCIA, the nationwide management company of Texas Senator John Carona. Remember my article: "TEXAS SENATOR JOHN CARONA'S ASSOCIA INVADES FLORIDA?"
And community association bill H 1195 Governor Rick Scott is supposed to sign in the next few days, will do NOTHING to help owners deal with this ever-growing problem.
In case you have somebody trying to sell you this bill as great progress that will help associations/owners deal with the financial crisis in their associations, please ask these folks one question: Exactly what provision in the bill will really help to bring MONEY in the association's coffers, without risking high legal fees that can never be recovered? These fees will only add to the financial budget shortcomings the owners, who are still paying dues, have to come up with.
Regards,
Jan Bergemann, President
Cyber Citizens For Justice, Inc.
Cyber Citizens For Justice, Inc.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
:
FBI LOOKS FOR WHISTLEBLOWERS IN TALLAHASSEE
An Opinion By Jan Bergemann
President, Cyber Citizens For Justice, Inc.
Published June 14, 2011
What would you think if you sit down to read your morning paper -- and the first thing you see is an ADVERTISING from the FBI -- printed in big letters: "Dishonest government officials aren't just wasting your tax dollars. They're betraying your trust. Report public corruption to the FBI."
That just happened to the readers of the TALLAHASSEE DEMOCRAT -- the local newspaper of the hotspot of Florida corruption -- TALLAHASSEE.
Together with the ad on the front page came an article inside the paper, headlined: "FBI seeking tips from the public in crackdown on government corruption."
Personally, I feel it's about time somebody cleans out this cesspool -- known as Florida's capital. In my opinion Tallahassee is not only the actual capital of the State of Florida, it's as well the capital of political corruption -- a pay-to-play system that has more or less destroyed Florida's economy. What we are seeing now are the shambles of our once great State, formerly known as The Sunshine State. And instead of seeing the failure of their ways, our legislators continue to sell Florida to the highest bidder. What we see in Tallahassee shouldn't be called POLITICS -- it should be called "DRIVEN BY GREED!"
Broward County has always been named as the poster child for political corruption in Florida -- see MATTERS OF TRUST below. But in my opinion that is only because these Broward elected officials, already convicted or still under investigation, are not well enough connected to sweep the charges under the table.
The Broward County folks are convicted for taking bribes -- or "presents" -- ranging from $2,000 to $50,000 that would be mere peanuts for the bigwigs in Tallahassee . But everybody knows what's going on, runs around with blinders -- and/or just doesn't want to upset the apple-cart -- in this case a well-oiled corruption machine any Banana Republic elected official would be proud of!
But it's not only taking the bribe -- the wife of a Florida senator took $500,000 from a "benefactor" as a present -- it's as well the fact that these so-called elected officials have no problem with filing knowingly false affidavits regarding their financial status and/or where their income comes from. For me, a legislator unable to fill out a simple financial report regarding his/her finances -- or where exactly the income is coming from -- is either a crook or too stupid to be even a guard at the Tallahassee capitol building. But once they get caught they are allowed a second shot -- or even a third shot -- of getting it right. Don't forget, we are talking here AFFIDAVITS -- you know sworn under oath! [See Merriam-Webster: A sworn statement in writing made especially under oath or on affirmation before an authorized magistrate or officer.]
It's no wonder Florida is in such bad shape.
Wouldn't it be great if the New York Times could finally report that Florida is no longer leading the charts in the nation for having the highest number of corrupt politicians?
Let's just hope that the FBI officials are not just wasting more taxpayers' money by placing such ads, but that they are really mean business and make sure these corrupt politicians end up where they belong: In jailhouse garb!
FBI LOOKS FOR WHISTLEBLOWERS IN TALLAHASSEE
An Opinion By Jan Bergemann
President, Cyber Citizens For Justice, Inc.
Published June 14, 2011
What would you think if you sit down to read your morning paper -- and the first thing you see is an ADVERTISING from the FBI -- printed in big letters: "Dishonest government officials aren't just wasting your tax dollars. They're betraying your trust. Report public corruption to the FBI."
That just happened to the readers of the TALLAHASSEE DEMOCRAT -- the local newspaper of the hotspot of Florida corruption -- TALLAHASSEE.
Together with the ad on the front page came an article inside the paper, headlined: "FBI seeking tips from the public in crackdown on government corruption."
Personally, I feel it's about time somebody cleans out this cesspool -- known as Florida's capital. In my opinion Tallahassee is not only the actual capital of the State of Florida, it's as well the capital of political corruption -- a pay-to-play system that has more or less destroyed Florida's economy. What we are seeing now are the shambles of our once great State, formerly known as The Sunshine State. And instead of seeing the failure of their ways, our legislators continue to sell Florida to the highest bidder. What we see in Tallahassee shouldn't be called POLITICS -- it should be called "DRIVEN BY GREED!"
Broward County has always been named as the poster child for political corruption in Florida -- see MATTERS OF TRUST below. But in my opinion that is only because these Broward elected officials, already convicted or still under investigation, are not well enough connected to sweep the charges under the table.
The Broward County folks are convicted for taking bribes -- or "presents" -- ranging from $2,000 to $50,000 that would be mere peanuts for the bigwigs in Tallahassee . But everybody knows what's going on, runs around with blinders -- and/or just doesn't want to upset the apple-cart -- in this case a well-oiled corruption machine any Banana Republic elected official would be proud of!
But it's not only taking the bribe -- the wife of a Florida senator took $500,000 from a "benefactor" as a present -- it's as well the fact that these so-called elected officials have no problem with filing knowingly false affidavits regarding their financial status and/or where their income comes from. For me, a legislator unable to fill out a simple financial report regarding his/her finances -- or where exactly the income is coming from -- is either a crook or too stupid to be even a guard at the Tallahassee capitol building. But once they get caught they are allowed a second shot -- or even a third shot -- of getting it right. Don't forget, we are talking here AFFIDAVITS -- you know sworn under oath! [See Merriam-Webster: A sworn statement in writing made especially under oath or on affirmation before an authorized magistrate or officer.]
It's no wonder Florida is in such bad shape.
Wouldn't it be great if the New York Times could finally report that Florida is no longer leading the charts in the nation for having the highest number of corrupt politicians?
Let's just hope that the FBI officials are not just wasting more taxpayers' money by placing such ads, but that they are really mean business and make sure these corrupt politicians end up where they belong: In jailhouse garb!
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