Sad Passing

Sad Passing
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half- baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else that may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

E-Mail of the Year!!

E-Mail of the Year!!

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

"My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list.. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth..

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia .. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.. Bonne chance, mezamies.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America .. Thank you and good night."

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

(Please forward this to at least ten friends and see what happens! Let's get this to every USA computer!)

Jewish Comedians

Those fabulous Jewish
>> Comedians

>>
You may remember the
>> old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
>> days:
Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
>> Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
>> and so many others.
>>

>>
>>
>>
And there was not one single swear word
>
>>in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
>>
* I just got back from a
>>pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
>>
>>
>>
* I've been in love with the same
>>woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
>>

>>
* What are three words a woman never
>
>>wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
>>

>>
* Someone stole all my credit cards but
>
>>I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
>> less than my wife did.
>>

>>
* We always hold hands. If I let go,
>
>>she shops.
>>
>>
>>
* My wife and I went back to the hotel
>
>>where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom
>
>>and cried.
>>
>>
>>
* My wife and I went to a hotel
>>where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .
>>

>>
* She was at the beauty shop for two
>
>>hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked
>>great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
>>
>>
* The Doctor gave a man six months
>>to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six
>months.
>>
>>
>>
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
>
>>"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my
>>arthritis!"
>>

>>
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
>>

>>
>>
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
>>
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
>>

>>
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The
>
>>judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
>>
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
>>

>>
>>
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so
>>much?
>> They're worth it.
>>
>>
The Harvard School of Medicine did a
>study of why Jewish
>>women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due
>>to the fact that Won
>> Ton spelled backward is Not
>> Now.
>>

>>
>>
There is a big controversy on the
>>Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus
>>is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
>>

>>
>>
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
>>
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
>> .
>>
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
>
>>officers?
>>
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
>>

>>
A man called his mother in Florida ,
>
>>
"Mom, how are you?"
>>
" Not too good," said the mother.
>>"I've been very weak."
>>
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
>
>>She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
>> days."
>>
The son said, "That's terrible.
>>
Why haven't you eaten in
>>38 days?"
>>
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be
>
>>filled with food if you should call."
>>

>>
A Jewish boy comes home from school
>>and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,
>>
"What part is it?"
>>
The boy says, "I play the part
>>of the Jewish husband."
>>
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back
>
>>and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
>>
>>
>>
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take
>
>>to change a light bulb?
>>
A: (Sigh) n't bother. I'll sit in the dark.
>>I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
>>

>>
>>
Short summary of every
>Jewish holiday:
>
>>
They tried to kill us.
>We won.
>> Let's eat.
>
>>

>>
>>
Did you hear about the bum who
>>walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I
>>haven't eaten in three days."
>>
"Force yourself," she replied.
>>

>>
>>
>>
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler
>
>>and a Jewish mother?
>>
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
>>

>>
>>
>>
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
>>
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything
>
>>that Isn't 20% off.

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A CUBS BASEBALL GAME

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,

"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH. THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA. THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO. THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE